Loosing the power

Much has happened since I have moved to San Diego.  I am in a county of so many people and a city that makes up half of the population of the county.  In this city I guess I feel buried.  I've tried to stay positive but lately that positive spark about me has become more and more fake and in reality I have been struggling with a dark cloud over my head one that I can't specifically pinpoint the cause but I believe through thinking about it have figured it out.  I have in a way gained a lot of confidence here in San Diego and have done a lot of growing, but one area I have struggled with is love.  Even with my friends I have feared to get to close.  I have come to realize that either through past events or something changing in me I have found it hard to let people in.  I believe it is this that has been causing the black cloud over my head.  Maybe I am afraid of getting hurt again I am not truly sure of that or maybe I am afraid of hurting someone else.  After realizing I truly pushed Eric away from me I started to put two and two together.  As I prevent people from getting in I also am closing myself off to the world and its beauty that I cherished so much when I was living in Kansas.  I live in paradise but yet the waves of people are crashing over me and I am drowning.  I could find happiness within me so much easier in Kansas than here.  I may just be rambling tonight it is 1030 but I wanted to get my thoughts down in words before calling it a night.


This week I have been struggling with a sense of who I am.  I feel like I have been putting myself down by what others have reacted.  Today I say enough.  I will not cry over someone I barely know.  I like everyone have my points to improve upon but that doesn't mean I don't have strengths that should also be cherished.  I do not celebrate my abilities but my hard work I have put into life.  I have had many people say wow how have you done so much at only 22.  I have lived in 3 different states I have ridden in a KC-135 while witnessing mid-air refueling.  I have an associates degree, Have skydived, am Ground team certified.  I have jumped out of airplanes. I am a pilot.  and the list goes on to many more things.  I have found my spark and I am the best me I can be.  I am not worthless i am quite the opposite as I have great value that is continually increasing.  Although this post is about my traits you have a spark in you as well.  Find it hold it let it grow.  No one is worthless.  Dont let others dictate how you feel.  Rise above because you are AMAZING.

The lies we believe are told to manipulate the population.

Everything we are born with serves a purpose.  Whether this purpose is big or small it still serves a purpose.  As a species we have been given certain features such as hands eyes a brain and more to the focus of when my mind is at today foreskin (for males) and the clitoral hood (for females) .  All serving a function but as a species we think we know best for those whom are not old enough to make a decision for themselves.  Many statistics have been manipulated in America or have been misinterpreted.

 In 2012 The American Academy of pediatrics came out with a study saying that circumcision reduced the risk of catching certain STD's and Penile cancer.  What they never spoke of is what the chances of developing penile cancer is when a male is circumcised and when he is not.  Dr Hutson a surgeon whom wrote a symposium on circumcision stated that it may take up to 300,000 circumcisions to prevent one penile cancer.  That is 299,999 people that could have not been circumcised during infancy.

 Also they appeal to the claim that circumcision reduces the risk of HIV.  Reality check by saying such a statement it makes circumcised men believe they have less of a risk but the truth is we as a country only look at reported statistics.  To say such a claim would have to be studied very intensively to the point that we still don't even understand the disease enough.  As a biology major I understand the process to correctly come out with a statement as such.  You would have to take two very large groups of people and study their immune systems prior to the test.  Once found that both groups are on level grounds then you would need to introduce the HIV to them through natural means so they would need to, preferably since we are talking about circumcised vs intact men, have sexual intercourse.  Also a parent must be expecting not to teach their child about safe sex practices because that prevents way more transmissions or anything than circumcision. Circumcised men and women that have slept with only circumcised men have HIV.

There is also the argument that it reduces infections but the honest truth is if you teach a child how to was properly that risk is really dropped significantly.

So it comes down to what I was talking to my friend about.  The only real reason left is that it must be that parents have to be sexually satisfied by how their child looks.  But why it is highly unlikely the child is ever going to do anything like that with the parents especially before they are even of age.

So why then do parents get to decide if their boy gets to remain intact, natural, uncut or if he is cut, circumcised, sexually mutilated.  In America we made laws that prevented parents from making that decision for their baby girls why not for our baby boys as well?  If you say the benefits completely outweigh the rewards then I have a challenging question for you to think about. What if your child is not happy with the decision you made?  If it was to circumcise at birth you may be sending your child down a road of darkness despair and depression for not having power over their own body.  It is not just a snip it truly is a life altering decision.  many people on RestoringForeskin.org have spoken of the depression they go through and how they wish they had the decision.

I will end with slightly more controversial conversation but something I hope causes a little bit more thought.  We as humans try to push our religion on our children, but in the end our religion will never be our children's religion because we all understand it differently because we are all different.  So even in religious cases please think about letting your child decide for themselves when they are old enough to make that decision.  And if a pastor or priest wont let your kid be a part of the religious traditions because of them not being cut.  Think about why do they care how your child's genitals look? With what concern is that to them? Why?

Footnote:  I left out images on this post because I want it to be completely focused on what I say.  I didnt want to add pictures of screaming babies or any symbols because this is my view, my persoal experience and no image would convey the exact emotions I feel toward this.



Life can be seen much like water. Things,people, situations, ect. come and go and thus will eventually go.  Enjoy the power of the river the coolness of the water but let it flow with you and around you.  sometimes the water flows by with the force of rapids.  Sometime it pools in a lake or pond.  All without a beginning or an end.  Such is the human life one does not remember their birth and does not know the exact moment of death.  No true marker for the beginning and the end.  One day you will find your lake that you can enjoy for a time.  Until then enjoy the cool refreshing water flowing beside you. If that lake turns back into streams still enjoy where it takes you. Know there are many people whom will pass by.  Hold on lightly knowing that the lake may form a new river.  Don't worry the river always brings new opportunities fresh insight.  When it seems like it has reached the end of the journey the next path has only just begun.

Blacks Beach DTR Retaining Cone Conversation!

So as many whom have been watching my blog for a while know that I have been focusing on restoring my foreskin and being a slow progress have gone through lots of ups and downs but for the most part have kept trudging on.  Well this past Saturday I went to Blacks beach (clothing optional beach) here in San Diego with a friend.  Normally when I go I don't keep any devices on but this time when I was getting ready to take it off before I left I thought why am I taking it off? Am I that worried about what people will say in person?  Why honestly care about the opinions of strangers about my body?

So I went with it on.  Usually I dont strip at Blacks until I get to my spot and have been lying in my speedo for a while.  So like normal found my spot took about half an hour then stripped and stayed on my towel.  After about three hours we were both ready to go because the sun was starting to go down and the wind was making it slightly chilly.  Normally at this point I put at least my speedo back on before walking back up the beach toward the exit but this time I had decided that I was going to stay naked until the spot where you have to put cloths back on.  So right as we were standing up packing up our towels a guy walking by stopped and asked about my cone.  At this point my heart starts racing a bit because talking to strangers while I am naked is not common for me.  Anyways he says that he has to ask about my device because he had never seen anything like it so I take about 10-15 minutes to talk about it and it was really cool he actually had no idea about being able to do what I am doing and asked about the name of it so he could look it up.  It was really cool to have a positive conversation with someone about it.  Hope everyone is having a beautiful Monday I know I am.  Heute das Wetter ist schön! :)

new found drive

Hey everyone hope all of your weeks are going well.  I just wanted to do a quick post today explaining a little of why I haven't been posting a lot in the past year but all of the sudden have made many posts this week.

So two weeks ago from this Saturday I was officially on spring break and decided that this was going to be the first year I actually do something on spring break.  So I pack my bags and headed off with a roommate to beautiful Yosemite National Forest.  Once there I turned my phone to airplane mode and there it remained for 4 days.  For those four days I was out of touch from everyone and pretended the world didnt exist outside of camping and hiking.

The first day I could for sure feel all of the stress and hustle and bustle leave my body.  I hadn't realized but moving to a city made me a bit more hustle and bustle and also more stressed about everything.  Over the year and a half of living in a city for the first time I lost track of life and felt like I had no time for anything.  But that was not true after getting back I have found there is lots of time for everything even with studying and going to class there is still time for fun and writing and meditating.   So the trip was absolutely beautiful I will post a few photos below to share.  The first night it snowed then we hiked the next day the sun was hot so all the snow was falling off the trees the whole day then the second night was clear and beautiful to sit around a fire roast marshmallows and watch the stars.  The third night it snowed again and then about 2pm on the fourth day we headed back out of the park away from the brisk air into country and eventually back through the cities and back to San Diego.  It was one of the most amazing trips to get to go out and enjoy nature like that.  I can't wait to do it again.  So since I had a sorta reset and feel like I have more time I have been just writing posts left and right.  Going out to the forests and mountains helped my brain to relax and now I can think again.

To Truvada or not Truvada?

  So lately I have been hearing a lot of information on PrEP or taking Truvada lessen the risk of getting HIV.  This is my personal opinion along with a few sides that I have read a little bit about.  The Truvada pills are pills that an HIV- person would take that would build up the antibody defenses to protect from the HIV virus.  Some of the research I have seen have said that it reduces the risk from 75 to above 90 percent., None the less all of the research I have read have stated that it does reduce the risk.

This reducing the risk has spurred many sub groups in the gay community calling those who take it whores and a bunch of ugly names.  Why is it that whenever a group is excluded from main stream when they get stabilized they start excluding people that were helping their cause that are not just like them.  We are in the 21st century and I think judging someone because they want to go out and use their body the way they want to is wrong we should not discriminate because they are doing what they want to do.  As long as all parties are consenting who are we to say anything about it.  Sound familiar oh two guys can't have sex with each other.  Really doing the same to other people for their preferences that you don't want others doing to you.  Wake up!  I can not be the only person that sees this. I personally dont like having sex with a ton of people but I do have a few friends that I may from time to time have sex with just like a lot of young adults.  The main debate is that many think this will give an excuse not to wear condoms but instead when used in conjunction with condoms would make a relationship with someone whom is infected with HIV a little less scary. Condoms are not 100% protection from anything people even have babies from wearing a condom and it not having broken.  And it isnt for anyone to judge but the decision of the people having sex if the other person uses condoms or decides they dont mind the odds with just taking this pill.  I have noticed that a lot of us Americans like to police others but hate when we are policed.  Why can't we just let people do what they would like to do as long as they are not causing you to get hurt or not disturbing you directly then why is it your concern?

 I may not take Truvada but I think it is an amazing discovery that it can help protect against getting HIV that means we are one step close to a vaccine and maybe a way to eradicate the virus.  I can say that HIV scares me to death and scares a lot of people.  Many of those scared such as myself have no idea how we would react if one day someone said you are positive.  Look at how limited the dating world becomes.  I feel really bad for those whom acquired the disease. I think I have finally grown and opened enough that I would not just leave someone solely because they mentioned they had hiv.  Granted I think for a bit I would go into a little bit of a scare shell and need some time to process but people with HIV are still people and love goes past an illness or disorder love for me should be unconditional and that would not be a reason for me to leave someone.

For us to stigmatize others for wanting to protect themselves is silly.  I believe the drug should be a lot more affordable and those at high risk should have easy access to Truvada.  If I had access to it I would talk to a doctor about myself getting on Truvada not to have sex without a condom but to protect myself more.

 I know I can never force someone to open their minds to other groups but I do hope my ideas in this post and my blog help start an internal dialog and maybe just cause your brain to question even just a little.  That is my whole goal of writing and posting and living in itself to to help open others to new ideas and help those whom need someone to walk in their shoes.  I will be that person to walk a day in your shoes.  Feel free to message and explain your story and show me what a day in your shoes are like because I love the feeling when my mind opens up a bit more.  As always have a wonderful day all :)

Have we kinda moved into our own little islands?

  So three weeks ago I was listening to a guest speaker in one of my classes whom was born in South Africa and he was talking about how the America media and news has a huge impact on what their countries feel and think.  Also he explained that Americans have huge sway on public opinions in Africa.  So he is one of the chairs for one of Africas largest LGBT organizations and he said when stone wall was going on that is when lots of changes happened in south Africa as well because they saw how people were standing up in the time that followed stone wall and that really helped their government pass gay protections in their constitution.  But he explained that the media has slowed down on the push for gay rights because many groups have found their areas that offer then and start to become slightly complacent.

All of this got me thinking.  When choosing a place for college why did I really choose San Diego?  Out of all the other Coastal states I could have picked I ended up coming to California and SoCal for the weather. I feel a part of the decision was that I had grown up in an area where I was afraid of being openly gay so that made going to a state that had a lot of protection in place easy.  But when I got here I started to get comfortable I stopped following so many coming out blogs like Davey Wavey and my friend Shannon in Australia because everything seemed less important until this guest speaker.  Although written protection is in the southern Africa constitution there are still killings in the streets because the constitution is expensive to buy for them and also many people are not able to read the technical language to understand their constitution.  All they have is the media influence of their country and other countries such as America.  I personally feel we have been focused on Civil Rights and when an area gets that a lot of us move to that area happily and stop worrying about the bigger picture.  Many innocent people in the world are being murdered for whom they love how is this right that as a major stance we don't put out a major stance against this.

With pride quickly approaching this year I have for sure changed my mind set.  I am not going just to party and to celebrate but to spread global awareness.  Pride first started as a protest to push the bubble on gay rights and now I feel like I want to spread awareness of world pride and world Human Gay rights for all.  I would love to see in the next year or so America as a nation come out with a global stance for Human Gay Rights.  To stop all of the violence, imprisonments and killings around the world.

On a final note one thing I didn't realize was there are a few church groups actually sending out members to spread LGBT hatred to the leaders of the worlds countries such as Uganda which is part of why a kill the gays bill just passed there. I feel like as a country we have so much ability to do good in the world.  We may not be the country with the most equality for the LGBT community but we could become a leader in spreading human rights.


Sitting with my last day of spring break being tomorrow I am doing some reflecting.  I don't remember the last spring break where I had nothing due afterwards this one included.  For the first part of spring break I actually got to relax a little and went up north to Yosemite National Park it was absolutely beautiful with the weather being a bit cold and snowy.  I went and disconnected from the world for 3 days all I had was my phone to take pictures a tent and hiking gear.  It was amazing growing up in the country and then moving to a big city I didn't realize how much I needed a get away.

But after that I had to return with an exam on Monday it didn't leave much relaxing time.  I have been thinking if I am truly learning any information in college or just memorizing for the exams.  Many college and hs students actually only memorize to get the good grade or the extra sticker on a high school diploma.  I have to admit I included with taking Spanish in HS.  I truly don't remember any Spanish and now live in an area that uses it frequently.  I took the class for an honors sticker taking the class serious enough to get a good grade and then forgetting it because there were to many other tests that I needed to know all the info for.  Are we truly learning more by having such a competitive system.  I feel like in college I am partially doing the same thing I did in HS except that now I am learning more about myself as I grow and change.  I am for sure finding new parts of me and opening my mind up some days a little at a time and some days huge chunks all at once.  As for information though I feel like my past history classes I could tell you maybe 5% of each class but that is about it.  I feel like our focus with tests has become so much that HS students fight so hard to get into college and then go straight into college still burnt out from the rush and the cycle never truly ends until possibly once a career starts and then it is more work and not learning focused.  When even for spring breaks the time we are supposed to have to recharge before the last bit of the semester is filled with studying and hw.  When do we start seeing that it doesn't work for learning it just forces temporary memorization.  I feel like we need a new way and I am not completely sure in what direction we should go but I feel like at least trying different and new options will start to lead us onto a track to be able to learn more and be able to function intelligently in every day life.

The good kid.

Sorry guys I am really overwhelmed and depressed tonight so this one is going to be on something that has been warring on my mind for quite some time and just keeps growing.

As you may or may not know I strive to be a good person I strive to not conform but to be open minded and accepting of all others.  Lately I have been feeling more lost than ever.  I personally dont like the way alcohol makes me feel and I dont believe that I need other substances to make me feel good. For my body this is a fake happiness that I know would wear off.  That being said I have never and plan to never partake in any substances that have not been prescribed.  I guess I more stick to the kid values that I am not supposed to take those which is okay with me because I just dont think i could handle them to be honest.  I dont judge those whom do but I have been feeling so much pressure that many are hard on me especially for not drinking alcohol.  This pressure crashes over me so much as that it makes me feel like I am not included into the gay community.  I have been feeling really lost lately and honestly just wish there was a place that accepted me for me.  Before I was of age people were like okay you just want to follow the law but now it just feels like I can't be me anywhere.  I thought I could be me in the gay community but I have to trade being judged for liking guys to being judged for not following gay social norm.  For a group that fights so hard to be discriminated against from my own personal experience if you dont quite fit one of the set molds then you are discriminated against by the group.  I have felt this driscrimination not only toward me but also those whom are Bi, Trans, or those whom just arent stereo typical.  One thing I can say this world knows how to take people who care about things and harden their skin.

Sorry for the rant but I needed a place to just let it all out.